| this is what we've been through. |
[29 Jun 2004|03:23pm] |
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mood |
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I guess this is what it's come down to. I remember starting this journal on Valentine's Day, which by no means was a happy day for me at all. Since then, I've grown up and changed so much. I've written about some of the hardest times in my life, and definitely some of the best. I've taken quizzes and asked people to take my surveys. I've gotten so many comments, the majority of which were either funny or comforting or a shared feeling, or all of the above. A big part of my life is described in the entries you'll find here, if you go through my archive. The last nine months of my life have been some of the happiest, hardest, most emotional ones I've ever experienced. I made five out of those nine months into memories, memories that I've elaborated on in here. Some of my deepest feelings are locked away here. I can't help but feel that I made a mistake back in October, the start of my nine months. October was when I met someone who changed my life so drastically that now I don't even know who I am without him. This is why I've made my decision. I can't leave livejournal for good, so I'm just going to move addresses. I'm not going to post my new one, and I'm not planning on linking it from my AIM and Yahoo! profiles. It will most likely be friends only, but if you can manage to find me, comment and I might be willing to give you reading privlidges. This is what it's come down to. There's too much love here, too much pain. Too much emotion for my heart to hold anymore. I'm sorry. Thank you for all of you who've read this, I'll miss you. It just feels like this chapter in my life won't end on it's own, so I'm going to have to help it along.
Best Wishes and Much Love,
Nicole.
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| it's funny how things change. |
[29 Jun 2004|04:37am] |
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mood |
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June 13th was only sixteen days ago. Sixteen days. That's just a little over two weeks. My journal entry for that day doesn't really say much, but I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote it. I remember being happy and excited and anxious, only now I can't even begin to fathom the concept of feeling that way ever again. I haven't really smiled or laughed in five days. Five whole days, after almost three months of nothing but smiles. I can't feel anything right now. I'm so numb it scares me.
I've been sick to my stomach since Thursday night. There's been this hollow, empty hole in me and it won't go away. I can't eat anything. I can't sleep. I can't even think of anything. My head feels way too heavy to be sitting on my shoulders. And up until last night I couldn't even cry. I've got insomnia, for those of you who don't know. I've heard what it's like to cry yourself to sleep, and I wish with all of my heart that I could do that. I know it sounds strange, but it sounds a hell of a lot better than staying up the entire night shaking and soaking your pillowcase.
I can't be mean to him. I can't do it. If you know me, that should surprise you. Usually I'm not exactly the nicest thing to anyone who hurts myself or one of my friends. But I can't do it. There's so much I want to say. I want to scream and yell and break his heart like he broke mine, but I can't do it. Partially because I don't have his heart anymore. It's not mine to break. But I wish, more than anything, that one day he'll feel something for me a strongly as I felt it for him- whether it was love or jealousy or heartbreak or sorrow. But I can't do that either.
This is what it's like. This is what it's like to feel like you don't have a heart anymore. It feels cold and lonely and empty. I've never felt it before now, and I can tell you that it's the worst feeling I've ever had. And I've been through a lot. A lot of hard times, and I've watched friends and family do the same. But nothing like this, never. This is what it feels like to have someone you love, more than anything, and who you thought loved you back, tell you that they don't. This is what it's like to not believe in anything. To know that deep down, you were right all along, even though you were told you were being silly and that nothing would ever change anything. This is what a week can do to love, but that still doesn't cease to amaze me. For once, I want to feel what it's like to fall out so quickly.
This is the end of the fairy tale, what they don't tell you. The end of 'happily ever after', and the end of the forever you were promised a million times.
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| don't make promises you can't keep. |
[27 Jun 2004|06:44am] |
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mood |
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It's amazing how someone can shatter your soul and leave you so heartbroken, yet you still love them with every broken piece.
I heard about your trip.
I heard about your souvenirs. I heard about the cool breeze and the cool nights and the cool guys that you spent them with. I guess I should've heard of them from you, I guess I should've heard of them from you. Don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over? And all "the best deceptions" and the "clever cover story" awards go to you? So kiss me hard, because this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday, and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service in keeping you away. I heard about your regrets. I heard that you were feeling sorry. I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us. Well I guess I should've heard of that from you, I guess I should've heard of that from you. Don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over? And all "the best deceptions" and the "clever cover story" awards go to you? So kiss me hard, because this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday, and this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips will be of service in giving you away. I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers, I'll be all right when my hands get warm. Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing, I'd rather you'd never heard my voice. You're calling too late, too late to be gracious, and you do not warrant long good-byes. You're calling too late.
Even though maybe I'll never really write anything as meaningful as I have the past 8 or 9 months of my life, at least Mr. Christopher Carraba still does an amazing job of singing our story.
---If I've taught you anything, I hope you learned not to make promises that you can't keep. Don't kiss someone if you don't mean it with every ounce of your being. Say how you feel, even if it hurts. "I love you" are the three most powerful little words you can ever speak, don't throw them around. And don't forget me. <|3
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| the best words I can use to describe how I feel. |
[25 Jun 2004|04:31pm] |
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mood |
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heartbroken |
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Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption, winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye.
Roped in so mesmerizing
And so hypnotizing
I am certain now that I am
Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.
So clear, like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught me eye
And rendered me so isolated
So motivated, and I am certain now that I am
Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore your saw yourself
So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my fingertips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep to ever swim against the current.
So let me slip away...
Never say forever.
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[23 Jun 2004|07:30pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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last night I wanted to write a whole bunch of nasty things in here about two people in particular who piss me off beyond belief, but then I got a phone call and a few IMs.
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today I didn't wake up until 12:30 because I am so freaking tired, literally, of dealing with all the drama in my life. I got my nails done and I saw Ashley and Fran, which was really cool. I found out all the stuff about Adventureland, since tomorrow's graduation and we're all headed over there afterwards. Straight after school. Come if you want, it'll be a lot of fun.
Anyway, I really didn't do much else, but I got Wendy's for, uhm dinner I guess. We picked up my dress for tomorrow from my great-grandmother, aka "Gram", since she was fixing the straps for me. good stuff, not exactly crazy about it, but whatever. ummm now I'm listening to a really old mix CD that a friend of mine made me over the summer between 6th and 7th grades. so yeah. more tomorrow possibly?
~Nicole
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| it's been quite a while... |
[22 Jun 2004|06:59am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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It feels like I've been neglecting my poor little journal lately. Maybe because I have so many feelings and I go through so many extremes that I'm not sure what to write about. I'm really going to make an effort to update this summer, I promise.
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It's almost 7:00, today is my last day of middle school. The last time GHMS is my home. I'm going to miss that place so much. There are so many memories there, so much that's connected to that school. Everything that is Smithtown to me is Great Hollow. But we all have to move on eventually, I guess. I just want a little more time to say good-bye.
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drowninginyoux3's journal
cynical